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Danny |
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I couldn’t sleep. I got up and went down to the casino, which was still humming away in the middle of the night. I started to go for a blackjack table when I noticed a hefty fellow sitting at the video poker machines. He looked familiar. Probably saw him in the coffee shop at lunch. No. I think I saw him on TV. He was the bad guy on Cops. They were hauling him in for wife beating. No- -wait a minute. He was on Larry King selling a book about how to be the most moral person you can be, as if he were the most self-righteous person in America. I’d bet on it. “Hey, pal, how’s the luck running?” I asked as he took a few seconds for a breather. “Oh, there’s no luck involved,” he replied. “This is all natural.” “Really?” “Yes, you see, as a moral man who believes in the Christian God I merely have to insert a few tokens and the Lord takes over. My ability or skill or luck, or whatever you want to call it, have no place in this. I am merely channeling the Will of The Almighty.” “God gambles? He plays video poker?” “Well, no, I didn’t say that. What I mean is that the words and actions which you might think would normally be mine are set aside, and the Hand of God works through me to achieve a full house, four-of-a-kind, a royal flush or whatever. I have nothing to do with it.” “I see. So this would probably mean you always win.” “Well, not always. The Lord Our God is a just task master, and sometimes He has me lose. Sort of like Abraham when he went up to the mountain and was supposed to kill Isaac. Then at the last minute, a sheep turned up, and Abe slew it instead. God was just testing him to see if Abraham would follow directions. Same with me. He may tell me to play the ace, when in fact, I really want to play the deuce. It’s all about testing me to see if I will follow His orders.” “Hmmm. Is that how this really works? So you don’t always win, but you usually do, right?” “Well, I don’t bet the milk money, so there is a limit to what I might play.” “But you usually win.” “Ah, no not always.” “So what do you consider acceptable losses?” “Oh, eight million dollars.” “Holy mackerel!! Boy, it sounds like you have some kind of addiction to gambling or something. Did you ever have any other addictions?” “Only nicotine- -when I was Drug Czar.” “So where do you get that kind of money that you can throw around like that?” “Oh, book royalties, speaking fees, things like that.” “And what is it that you write and speak about?” “Oh, Virtue. Morality. Ethical behavior. Overcoming man’s primal urges.” “I see. Does your wife know you’ve kissed off that kind of dough?” “Yeah, I’ll bet she does now.” “She probably had her own ideas of what might have been done with all that money.” “Yeah, I’ll bet she did.” “I’ll bet you’re right. You want to give me the odds on that?” “No, I’ll fold.” “Yeah, good idea. And maybe your whole loud-mouth career too.” “Two? I’ll take a hit on two.” “Sorry. The only thing you can take a hit on is- -Virtue.” And the moral is “Judge not that you be not judged.” - -Matthew 7:1. You could look it up.
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